When in Doubt, be Imperfect
Merely another grad school experience so, here we go.
I don’t know if you already knew but, I started grad school in a slightly different way. I didn’t dive straight into grad studies after college, nor I chose an established lab work to in. The two years I “ worked,” did have a positive effect on me, however it also made me think of myself as inferior because I was “old,” when I started grad school. To add to that, I joined a new lab in with a newly-appointed young faculty as my PI. As much as I loved being in a close-knit lab, I always had this thought about starting late. Had I been in this country for my college years, I would’ve already graduated with my PhD and would’ve even been a post-doc.
Having this constant thought was like wildfire. Soon, it spread onto all parts of my work. Everything was new to me. But, I couldn’t bring myself to come to terms with this new normal. “I was hired because they thought I’m smart. If I show any sign that I don’t know what I’m doing, they’re going to laugh at me. Because, I’m stupid.” Even when I had questions, I tried to find answers myself.
This might look like a good way to understand the perimeter of your prospective work but, you’re still in the uncharted territory. You know nothing. How are you supposed to take a step forward without having a solid foundation? I remember one time, I was reading a few papers while having so many questions and not having the courage to shoot an email to my professor to clarify things. I remember being stressed out in a library, thinking, “what if he thinks I’m stupid? What if he regrets the decision to hire me?.” I have been going through this crisis until one of my friends (it was the first week, so congrats to me on making one.) told me “just shoot an email. For better or for worse, you will get a response.” And I mustered all the courage I could, put my embarrassment away, and sent an email asking for a meeting time. The response was quick as an arrow. I was given a meeting immediately for that hour and my PI treated all my questions with the same level of attention and concern. Further, he assured that I am allowed to come knock on his door whenever I had a question. Turns out, he doesn’t think I’m stupid. Not to this day, despite all the stupid questions I asked so far. Despite all the mess I make in the lab on a regular basis.
As much as this story highlights all the good qualities a mentor should have, my point is that for some reason, many of us feel the need to be perfect and to “know it all,” when we step into grad school. May be it’s our inner voice telling us that we are not allowed to make mistakes. My time as a high schooler and a college student in Sri Lanka is a story of itself. Starting my Advanced Level (more like SAT) exam years really humbled me. I was the smart kid in the class until… I was put amongst thousands of “smarter” kids, and all the teachers expecting us, the average student to perform to that level. Otherwise, we were nothing. So, no mistakes. Not allowed. You have to figure it out the first time or you are done for. The trauma that it left in me is that I am stupid. I don’t have what it takes to thrive. Yep, my NASA dream was becoming more and more of a dream, and I had to accept the reality that maybe I will end up as yet another college graduate.
Alas! I did get into college. But the trauma never left. So, I became more of an average student, my desire to seek knowledge became shallow, and I focused more on having a life. I did have a life. I enjoyed all the extra curricular activities I was involved in. I wasn’t afraid to embarrass myself on stage :) nor I was afraid to take a train to the hill country in the middle of the night to go on a hike. So, yeah! Life was colorful. While all the nerds be having fun working on expanding their brains (I respect you all, with all my heart) I was just messing around. To me, it felt more like accepting the reality of me being stupid or not cut for college.
Until…my inner voice started acting up and wanting to go to grad school towards the end of my undergrad years. Boy! That was a real bummer. How on earth am I supposed to compete with thousands, if not ten thousands of smart people to secure a spot in grad school? Of all people, me? Anyways, since there was no other way, I did apply, and I got in. How did I get in? That’s a question I don’t have answers to, or so I thought. But, the truth is someone read my application, and thought I was good enough. But, I did come to grad school with a perceived mindset that I am not really a smart person and may be asking questions or making mistakes will make me look even worse. This combined with me being an “old” student, didn’t really help at all. I have developed a severe inferiority complex.
I think for most grad students, a similar scenario catches up, sooner or later. We don’t allow ourselves to make mistakes or feel stupid because we fear the outsider’s perception of our “smartness.” Deep down, we might feel like we need help but we are not comfortable asking for help. Or, when someone gives us constructive criticism or suggestions to improve, our immediate thought would be, “oh shit! I really effed up, didn’t I? Now this person thinks less of me.” Often times we worry about a perception we have no control over and we let ourselves shrink, we let ourselves feel small. As much as these situations humble us down, it doesn’t really have to be a negative interaction. For me, it was a learning curve to come to terms with constructive criticism. However, when I did, I couldn’t see it as nothing but an opportunity to expand my knowledge. Something that builds my thought process. If someone pointed out a mistake I’d make damn sure that I won’t make the same mistake again.
I do understand that all we want to be is “perfect.” But, we are grad students. We are allowed to make mistakes and learn from them.
Grad school is where you “learn,” how to conduct research. You start “researching,” as a post doc, or a professional when you leave grad school.
This is by far the best thing I’ve ever heard, and it really helped me coming to terms with my inability to know it all. It did take time to be comfortable with this new feeling but, once I did, I could only see the opportunities to lean. That doesn’t mean I have my lows or moments that I feel inferior. Two weeks ago, I presented my work to “the father,” of my research discipline and at the end of my talk he pointed out so many things I overlooked. Being humbled by a giant in the field is no fun. So, yes. I felt really really stupid. But, at the end of the day, I learned a lot and my next steps would be firm.
On the other hand, these experts, seniors, our PIs, mentors, and advisors were once grad students, just like us. If it tells us anything, it is that they made mistakes too. They had a chapter full of mistakes, scratched lines, and things that were crossed off in red. Periods full of self-doubt. Nevertheless, they continued being imperfect and to this day, they are. In one way or the other. So, let yourself be imperfect, especially when in doubt. Be kind to yourself for not knowing it all.
The more you fuck around, the more you find out.
Image: The New Happy on Instagram. Go check it out.
